My ‘narcissistic’ sisters took over our alcoholic mom’s funds. They’re draining her checking account. What can I do?

14 mins read

I usually learn your recommendation column, and now I’ve questions of my very own.

For a few years my mom was an clever, robust businesswoman who labored her approach up the company ladder and was making a six-figure wage by the point she was in her mid-40s.

She additionally was an alcoholic. A really high-functioning one, however an alcoholic nonetheless. I began to note how severe her consuming downside was in my early 20s, as did different relations, however my youthful sisters (twins, three years youthful than me) remained in denial till it was too late.

In her late 60s, her years of alcohol abuse lastly caught up together with her when she developed Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome, which is a type of mind injury and whose signs are just like Alzheimer’s illness or different types of dementia. My sisters lastly wakened and helped me intervene when my mom may now not care for herself.

‘The primary rehab stint value over $30,000. My mom didn’t drink throughout her month there and began to enhance, however as quickly as she bought again dwelling she began consuming once more.’

The docs instructed us that an important first step in coping with her was to get her to cease consuming. My sisters determined that rehab was the perfect wager, however all the respected alcohol rehabilitation packages run by hospitals and led by medical docs and psychiatrists mentioned that my mom was not an excellent candidate for his or her packages.

My sisters, having seen the quite a few Hollywood motion pictures the place somebody spends 30 days in rehab after which is “cured,” went about discovering a program that may take her, and despatched her to the primary place they might discover. The primary rehab stint value over $30,000. My mom didn’t drink throughout her month there and began to enhance, however as quickly as she bought again dwelling, she began consuming once more.

So one other rehab stint, then one other and one other, and at all times the identical final result. Earlier than her first rehab stint my mom had over $200,000 in her financial savings account, and by the tip of a yr it was virtually all gone. I attempted to speak to my sisters about what I see because the rehabilitation racket: facilities that simply need your cash and don’t have any actual capacity to get individuals to cease consuming. However they wouldn’t take heed to me.

At one level I went with my mom to her financial institution and had her put $5,000 of what was left of her cash right into a financial savings account in her title that my sisters couldn’t take for extra rehab, as a result of I used to be frightened that my mom was going to finish up broke.

‘It would at all times be two towards one’

My sisters discovered about it and accused me of attempting to steal from my mom, tried to get different relations towards me, and bought a lawyer to forestall me from having something to do with my mom’s funds. They instructed me that if I ever tried to see her once more with out them current as witnesses, they’d file a restraining order towards me.

I’ve gone to different relations for assist and recommendation, together with my father, from whom my mom has been divorced since 1990. My father says he agrees with me, however he has no leverage over my sisters so there’s nothing he can do.

‘My sisters accused me of attempting to steal from my mom, tried to get different relations towards me, and bought a lawyer to forestall me from having something to do with my mom’s funds.’

As a result of they don’t know what to do or they don’t need to get entangled, he instructed me to not battle with my sisters as a result of it can at all times be two towards one, so I ought to settle for that there’s nothing I can do.

My mom has no concept what day of the week it’s or who the present president of the U.S. is, so she is in no situation to advocate for herself.

The COVID-19 pandemic started just about proper after this ultimate showdown, so I haven’t seen my mom previously yr, however know that my sisters have moved her right into a nursing dwelling upstate. I’ve just about minimize off all communication with my sisters. As you possibly can in all probability guess, we had been by no means all that shut to start with.

I communicate to my mom at the very least as soon as every week simply to examine in. The one silver lining from COVID is that she will’t actually go anyplace and the house she lives in gained’t serve her alcohol, so every week she feels like she is enhancing a bit.

I’m very frightened that my sisters are going to blow by means of all of my mom’s cash (they stunning a lot have already got). They’re now attempting to promote her home, which is price at the very least $1 million, and I’m frightened that they are going to blow by means of that as properly.

My mom will obtain $2,500 a month from Social Safety for the remainder of her life, however I don’t assume my sisters will be capable to present her with every little thing she wants, contemplating the house they positioned her in alone prices over $3,500 per 30 days.

I really like my mom, and I’m afraid my narcissistic sisters who by no means take heed to anybody and are satisfied that they’re the specialists on this and each different scenario are making an enormous mistake they gained’t notice till it’s too late — identical to once they wouldn’t acknowledge that our mom was an alcoholic till it was too late.

My query is that this: Are my family and father appropriate? Ought to I simply settle for that there’s nothing I can do and let my sisters spend each dime my mom has, and simply hope that they’re in a position to care for her? Or is there one thing I can do to intervene and have some say in my mom’s medical remedy and dwelling preparations?


A Helpless Sister

Expensive Sister,

Helplessness, as your mom’s ready daughter, is merely a mind-set. Your mom, sadly, is in a extra dependent state. I agree with you that she would have been higher off in a nursing dwelling from the start. Given her sickness and her alcohol habit, rehab was in all probability not the perfect place to your mom.

The excellent news is that your sisters have lastly figured that out. The unhealthy information is the cash is working out, and you should be an energetic participant in your mom’s affairs, and in addition not be ostracized from her life based mostly on the whims of your different two sisters. That is additionally a cautionary story for individuals who don’t have long-term care insurance coverage.

The dilemma of whether or not you need to put an aged relative, significantly a susceptible one comparable to your mom, in a nursing house is a query difficult by the excessive fee of COVID-19 in such properties, and the extent of belief you have got in such properties and within the websites that suggest them (or not, because the case could also be).

‘You might want to rent a lawyer who makes a speciality of conservatorship and problem your sisters’ energy of lawyer, or petition the courtroom to take over as POA.’

— The Moneyist

Again to your description of your self as helpless. You want help so as to assist and help your mom, and be sure that the perfect selections are being made for her. You might want to rent a lawyer who makes a speciality of conservatorship and problem your sisters’ energy of lawyer, petition the courtroom to turn out to be your mom’s POA, or on the very least turn out to be a joint POA.

That will provide you with the authorized clout to make good selections and stop unhealthy ones. If no member of the family is keen or in a position to take your mom in, you will have to place a monetary plan collectively to your mom’s nursing-home care. It is going to be neither straightforward nor low-cost. Paying cash for authorized recommendation may prevent cash in the long term.

There are additionally a rake of organizations that can advise you on the knowledge of promoting this dwelling and find out how to arrange a belief to your mom’s bills in the event you do, and what you should do to use for and/or qualify for monetary assist. Amongst these organizations are the AARP and Nationwide Household Caregivers Affiliation. There are extra right here.

You aren’t going to alter your sisters’ minds about you — and, whereas that may in all probability make your life simpler, it shouldn’t be the place you direct your energies or focus. There are too many advert hoc actions, and never sufficient planning. You’ll be able to have your voice heard, nevertheless, and guarantee your mom will get the perfect assist obtainable to her.

You’ll be able to e mail The Moneyist with any monetary and moral questions associated to coronavirus at

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